


What the Hell?

by Harky21



Series: KRTKweek2k16 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe-Dr. Who, KuroTsuki Week 2016, M/M, Parody, glowing red panthers, yup yup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 18:11:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7449193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harky21/pseuds/Harky21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At this point, Kei knew exactly three things.</p><p>1. He’d had a very long crappy day at the cafe and all he wanted to do was go home and fall face first on his bed.<br/>2. There appeared to be something behind him worth running from.<br/>3. He’d never seen the man who grabbed him before, so why the hell was he touching him?</p><p>Kei was suddenly jerked around a corner, his back slammed into the wall, and a hand placed over his mouth as a slightly shorter man pressed up against him, a finger to his lips for silence.</p><p>or The Dr. Who AU nobody asked for :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	What the Hell?

“Run!”

Someone grabbed his wrist, wrenching him in the _opposite_ direction he was walking, running at breakneck speed.

Kei almost toppled over, but caught himself. Whoever grabbed him had a vice grip and he couldn’t shake free. He ran just so he didn’t end up face first on the pavement.

At this point, Kei knew exactly three things.

  1.  He’d had a very long crappy day at the cafe and all he wanted to do was go home and fall face first on his bed.
  2.  There appeared to be something behind him worth running from.
  3.  He’d never seen the man who grabbed him before, so why the hell was he touching him?



Kei was suddenly jerked around a corner, his back slammed into the wall, and a hand placed over his mouth as a slightly shorter man pressed up against him, a finger to his lips for silence.

This was the first good look Kei had gotten of his… captor? (What were you supposed to call someone who dragged you down a deserted street?)

The first thing he noticed was his hair. Raven black, it stuck up in a million directions. His hand was rough, he was dressed in a black leather jacket, and a red… cat t-shirt. And his eyes… dark as the woods, there was a glint in them that Kei couldn’t place.

A large growl sounded from behind them.

Kei’s eyes widened when he saw what made it.

_A panther! That’s a fucking a panther! In the middle of Tokyo! And it’s… glowing red?_

The creature passed them by. The man kept him against the wall till it was a down the street, then left just as quickly.

He swept whatever dirt he saw from Kei’s shoulders, smiled and then was off again.

Grabbing _something_ from his inner coat pocket he ran to the street and pointed it to where the creature had passed by.

It made some… weird whirring noise and lit up. _Like a toy_.

Once done the man quickly walked back over to the blond, and looked up.

“Get home, now, stay off the streets after dark, and don’t tell anyone what you saw!” And then he began jogging after it.

Kei stood stalk still where he was, partially in disbelief, partially in denial, and partially because _What the hell?_

“Hey!” he yelled after him. “Hey! What the hell was that thing?”

With a few quick steps the other man was back over by him. “It’s a Felis Luminocious! It's here and shouldn't be, so I need to figure out what's wrong and how to make it not be here before it decides it likes humans. Now, so that you don’t die… Sorry what’s your name?” The black haired man cocked his head.

“Tsukishima.”

“That’s much too long,” he squinted his eyes, slightly recoiling. He thought for a split second, then snapped his fingers. “Tsukki!” he pointed. “Now, so that you don’t die, Tsukki, I highly suggest going home. Now.”

And then he was off running again leaving Kei staring at his back.

“Oh! By the way,” he called over his shoulder, “I’m the doctor! Nice to meet you!”

* * *

Kei scoured the papers that morning for anything about panther sightings or one breaking out from the zoo… _Nothing._

He couldn’t think of any other reasons for what he’d seen, so he decided to chalk up whatever he saw the night before to lack of sleep. Sure there may have been a crazy man, but that must’ve been the end of it. No glowing panthers or other worlds. _What kind of planet would a glowing panther come from?_

Despite his sound decision _not_ to think about it, Kei found himself distracted the rest of the day. It really didn’t make any sense and he couldn’t come up with any other logical scenarios in which what happened _could_ make sense. Unless what that man, _The Doctor_ , unless what _he_ said was true.

The blond shook his head. _Preposterous, it's all_

The door rang announcing a customer. Kei looked up. His eyes widened.

It was the man from the night before.

“You,” Kei began, but was cut off.

“Yes, me, now come on, we don’t have much time,” he looked around urgently, then started shuffling through the menu’s.

Kei blinked. “What? Go where? I’m at work, I can’t just _leave_.”

“Sure you can! I can hardly catch the felis luminocious myself now can I?” The man looked like he thought he was saying the most logical thing in the world.

Kei’s brow knitted. He was irritated. This man just pops up again and demands he come with.

“Why should I,”

“Look, I need your help. I can’t set up the appropriate apparatus to catch it by myself. You’re the only human who knows it exists and I would _like_ to keep it that way,” he rushed out, raising his eyebrows and going to his tiptoes in the process.

Kei looked around the cafe. They weren’t particularly busy… He rolled his eyes. “Fine, ok just... one second, but you better tell me what it is, and where it came from, and how you,”

“I will answer your questions later, but hurry!”

He glared at the man  went to the back. “Hey, Sawamura-san?”

“Yes, Tsukishima?” Sawamura looked up from the pile of papers on his desk.

“I’m going to take my break now. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course. Just remember to time out and in,” he smiled up at the blond.

“Yes, sir,” he replied.

_What the hell are you even doing? Helping some random person with some weird sci-fi lion thing on the loose. Are you crazy? … Or are you bored?_

Kei pulled off his apron and made his way back out to the front.

The Doctor was seemed to be scanning the lemon cream pie in the dessert case.

“Well are we going?” Kei asked, hands in his pockets.

“Yes, yes, yes. Come on,” The man bolted through the door. _Does he ever not run?_

Kei walked quickly behind him. “This had better be finished in the next 30 minutes,” he grumbled out.

“Maybe, if things go to plan,” he turned the corner to the back alley.

Kei followed. It was empty… except for a… blue police box.

“Ok, I just need to grab something from the TARDIS,” he hurried down the alley. Kei followed, not knowing what else to do.

The man walked into the box. It wasn’t large, about big enough for one person to stand in. He waited a moment longer.

_What’s taking him so long? It’s not that big._

He sighed, finally deciding to peek in and see what could possibly be taking him this long.

The blue door was slightly ajar, all Kei had to do was push it open slightly. He stepped in. Looked around. Then stepped back out. Walked completely around the box, then went in again.

“I-it’s bigger on the

inside than the outside,” The Doctor ended with him.

The man was grinning. Like the cheshire cat. “I love when you humans realize that. Every single time!”

Kei peered at him, squinting his eyes. _This man must be crazy_.

“Now, I need you to take these,” he handed Kei two polls, “and set them up at the end of the alley. One on either side.” He turned back to what Kei could only guess was the motherboard of the ship… thing… TARDIS? And started looking for something again.

“Wait! But, but what is this thing, how is it… like this? What do you mean,” Kei

“Cat first, questions later!”

Kei glanced around the room again, trying to take in all the flashing lights and buttons and handles. _This is ridiculous._

He went back out to the alley. He looked at the polls he was given. _These are_ not _polls_. They were thin rods, and he had no idea how he was supposed to “set them up.” He placed one down on the ground, to his surprise it grew and planted itself down on the pavement. He tried wiggling it but it was still.

_How does this thing work?_

He set the second one the same way, watching it more closely. He still couldn’t figure out the mechanism. He bent down to get a better look.

“Don’t bother trying to figure it out at the moment we don’t have time,” The Doctor came back in with some strings and a bucket of…

“Is that water?” Kei asked.

“Yes!” The Doctor replied excitedly. “It is!”

“And we need it… why?” Kei raised an eyebrow.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he grinned at him again.

“Try me,” he shot back.

The man shrugged, “Well you see,” he began, “The felis luminocious is a type of alien that searches for heat sources throughout the solar system. I think this one was doing a scouting mission around the sun and somehow got caught in Earth’s gravitational pull on its way in.” He set the bucket down and started to work on the pulley mechanism. “And that the crash did something to cause it to lose it’s ability for self thermoregulation and it hasn’t been able to release any, meaning it’s currently burning up. It’s not in the traditional form of felis luminocious right now though. They are also generally harmless bipedal creatures, just like humans, but when over heated, they take on this form and become much more dangerous.”

“You must be joking,” Kei was leaning against a wall, arms crossed as he listed and watched the other work. _Aliens? Really?_

“Haha! Told you you wouldn’t believe me,” he smiled again.

Kei frowned.

“Ok, so let’s say that it is an… over-heated cat alien… what’ve you done to try and cool it down?”

“Oh you do catch on fast! Wonderful! Well, so far I’ve been attempting different cooling methods. Mainly water, since your planet has so much of it and it’s one of the quickest coolants that wouldn’t hurt and”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kei stopped him, waving his hand. “You’ve been trying to cool down a _cat_ with _water_?”

“Well not technically a cat. It’s a felis luminocious,”

“But in basic principal, you said it was a cat,” Kei caught him.

“Well, yes,” black haired man looked confused.

“Ok, do cats like water?” Kei asked him incredulously.

The Doctor’s eyes widened in understanding. “No, they don’t! Why didn’t I think of this!”

Kei rolled his eyes. _He’s wearing another cat shirt, how can he_ not _know this??_

“Then what do we do?” He asks, the glint in his eye again, like Kei’s supposed to know more.

“Weeellll, cat’s lay down to cool off. Mainly on cool surfaces. They use conduction to cool off, or at least partially, I think?” he thought of how his brother’s cat would sprawl across the tiled floor of the kitchen.

“Excellent!” The man shouted excitedly. “Now, how do we lure the cat to such an area… and where is there an area large enough?”

“How were you going to get it here?”

“Well, since I’ve been tracking it, I was going to have it chase me again and have you spring the mechanism, but, I’m not sure it will work so well now,” he tapped a finger to his lips, contemplating.

Kei glared at him again, “But you had said it was coming already!”

“I had to get you out of the cafe to help!”

Kei rolled his eyes again and shook his head. “Ok, well, how about an airconditioned room? It’d cool the… felis whatever it is more quickly.”

“Do you know where we could get such a place?” The Doctor raised both brows at him.

Kei chewed the inside of his cheek. “Without people already there?”

“Ideally, yes.”

Kei sighed internally. _I cannot believe I’m doing this_.

* * *

When Kei showed back up to work pale, and claiming he felt ill, Daichi luckily let him go home.

When he went back out to where the Doctor was waiting, he was pulled into the… TARDIS…. again.

“Ok, where are we headed?!” The Doctor smiled happily.

“Well I was going to say the volleyball courts since they’re closed on Tuesdays, but”

“How are we going to get there in this? Like this!” he exclaimed and began turning a wheel and pushing countless buttons, running around the circular central motherboard.

A sound Kei couldn’t possibly place began. It had a steady beat almost like the flap of wings, it was airy, but like wind being forced down a pipe. Then, it stopped.

“Ok, here!”

Kei creased his brow again.

The Doctor marched down the ramp and back out through the door. Kei followed cautiously, and sure as he said they’d be, they were in front of the volleyball courts, already inside the building.

“H-how did you?” he looked back at a very pleased looking man.

“TARDIS- Time And Relative Dimensions In Space,” he smiled. “Now,” he stepped into the gym, it was cool, just as Kei thought it’d be. It should work perfectly. If they could get the...alien here. “This certainly feels cool enough to work, and a wooden floor. Nicely done, Tsukki.”

“Wait, but..”

“Cat first questions later, remember?”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So you’re going to lure the felis thing into here?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“And how are we going to do that?”

A huge bag at the door jolted Kei, his eyes widened.

“Ah, it’s here!” The Doctor made his way over to the door.

“But you said you had to lure it!” Kei ran up behind him.

“Lure it to the alley, it was already in this area. Incredible it hasn’t been doing too much damage. I told you it’s been chasing me. Now,” he rubbed his hand together looking at the door. “Hopefully timing is on our side in this case. Once we let it in we’ll have to close the doors and hope that coolness of the rooms acts quickly enough before it can maul us.”

“Or we could catch it in the nets so it’s tangled and can’t kill us,” Kei replied.

“Oh! There’re nets!? Splendid!”

Kei just shook his head again as the cat slammed and scraped down the door.

In the next few minutes they had one of the gym dividing nets strung across the entrance, ready to catch the animal that hadn’t stopped growling and banging about.

They both positioned themselves on either side of the door, net poised and weighted on either end by medicine balls, hopefully tying the creature in.

“Ok, on three I’m unlocking the door,” The Doctor said, pointing the small device Kei had seen the night before at the door.

Kei nodded, steadying his stance.

“1...2...3!”

A small whirl of noise and the door slammed open, the beast charging in. Kei wasn’t ready for it to impact the net and it through him to the side.

The Doctor had remained standing. The beast now tangled in the net.

Kei scrambled up to close the doors.

The panther tried to charge him, but slipped in the large green net. It continued to thrash about, getting more and more tangled, till it went still. The red glow about it dimming, the creature shrank some, taking on a new form.

It worked. The plan had worked. Kei couldn’t help the small smile cracking at his lips.

He looked up to the Doctor. A smiled painted his face as well, nodding.

* * *

He was on his way back from work. It was hard to believe all that had happened the day before. He wasn’t sure it actually had.

 _The Doctor_. Kei kicked the ground.

He’d promised to answer his questions but once the felis luminocious had been recovered the Doctor took off near immediately to get it back to it’s planet for treatment.

Emotions kept bubbling in him since them. Anger at him for dragging him in in the first place, but more for not asking him to go with. And... disappointment.

He looked around the street. It felt so, _normal_.

Kei sighed.

“Why the long face?”

Kei’s eyes shot up, falling on droopy eyes and a lopsided smile.

Standing at the corner, leaning in the doorway of his stupid blue box was the man who’d left the day before.

Kei scowled. The man flinched.

“Sorry, about that,” he ran his hand through his wild mass of hair. “Their planet isn’t the best place for humans.”

“But it’s ok for you?” Kei replied flatly.

“Yes. I’m not human,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“Ok, well since there is no more cat. Can I ask questions now?”

He nodded an affirmative. “I’m all ears.”

“Well first, if you’re not human, then what are you?”

“A Time Lord.”

“And you…”

“Travel across space and time where ever it is that calls me,” he shrugs.

“And you do things, like this a lot?”

“Oh yes, but usually it’s much more dangerous. I usually almost die more often,” he scratched his head thinking to himself.

“And you… travel in what?”

“The TARDIS. It’s like a spaceship. But better,” he grinned.

“And why is it bigger,”

“On the inside than the outside? Well it’s dimensionally transcendental. The interior exists in a different, relative dimension to the exterior.”

"And your little toy thingy?" he motioned to the pocket the man kept it in.

"Oh, this?" he pulled it out. "Sonic screw driver. Very useful in a pinch."

Kei nodded to himself, letting the absurdity of the situation sink in. An alien, in a time-space continuum traveling box, getting into dangerous situations constantly. “So why did you come back?”

His smile grew. “Well, you see, Tsukki, I travel all of space and time, it’s a bit more fun to do that with a companion.”

Kei’s lips drew back into a line. “Really? All of space and time.”

“Yes really.”

“You could go back to the Jurassic? And… and see dinosaurs?” His question was light with no weight, but the other man’s smile grew even larger.

“I could have you there and back before dinner if you wanted. Would you like to?”

“Go to the Jurassic?”

“Of course, what else would you do before dinner?” he asked.

Kei chewed at the inside of his cheek.

“I can promise you it’s much more interesting than working at a cafe,” the black-haired man added.

“Before dinner? You promise?” Kei stepped forward.

“Absolutely,” he grinned, a twinkle in his eye, turning and looking over his shoulder expectantly for Kei to follow.

“Ok,” Kei stated, and stepped into the ship.

**Author's Note:**

> And so concludes the one-shots for this week! Wooo! For the last day of free day I will be updating Beautiful Disaster!  
> And OK, truthfully I was super excited to write this. I just love the idea of up beat Kuroo pulling Tsukki into an unwanted adventure. And then (unexplored in this fic) you get all the Doctor angst! Like it's great!  
> And huge thanks to my whovian friends who talked this through with me. (And I may or may have not been to excited to post this to thoroughly edit...)


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